Krampus – Gnostalgia

Ode to Krampus 2013

Open the front door you Gloomy Gus
The chimney ain’t no place for Krampus
Let others have their gifts and cheer
Krampus brings you whips and fear

Krampus will avenge you for a life so rough
and punish those who think their tough
Krampus feels your swollen tears
and whips those bullies on their rears

Krampus armed with a whip and horns
a drooling tongue as sharp as thorns
punishes the wicked on Christmas night
to the downtrodden’s earthly delight

Those who are not on the list of Ol’ Nick
may receive the gift of a Krampus lick

On Christmas eve some may hear the chime of a distant bell
and others may hear a sweet Yule-time carol
But, a few will hear the clatter of the cloven hooves of hell
as their greed has put their mortal flesh at peril

The Krampus stalks his prey this very night
and He will mete out justice on the looters
His feral eyes will see those he must smite
seeking out the evil users and polluters

Drink your brandy and smoke your cigars.
You will tread on your fellow man only so long
Boast of your earthly treasures in your swanky bars
The Krampus will gladly teach you right from wrong

Serve your fellow man everyday
and avoid the beast best known to flay

Grinch, Krampus, and Bigfoot, know the difference

Last year, I had a little fun with the Grinch and Bigfoot. I suggested that they were the same creature.

This year seems to be the perfect time to re-examine the theory and include my favorite Christmas being the Krampus.

Let’s take a look at the ecology of the Grinch, Bigfoot/Yeti, and the Krampus. All three creatures have origins their origins in rural mountainous regions. The Grinch lives in an icy cave on a mountaintop, the Krampus hails from the Alpine regions, and the Yeti (Bigfoot) lives in icy mountainous areas (among other locations).

According to the Salish Syilx tribe of the Okanagan, their Bigfoot legends tell of stolen children who are consumed. Krampus also steals bad children during the Christmas season and licks (tastes?) them. The Grinch is only known to steal Christmas related items, perhaps a modified Krampus behavior?

The Krampus is depicted as having horns, but Bigfoot and the Grinch clearly do not have horns. However, the Grinch does have hair issues that can resemble horns to the untrained eye.

The Grinch is green while the Krampus has a brown or black color and a Bigfoot can have various colors according the Bigfoot expert Matt Moneymaker of “Finding Bigfoot” fame. Polar bears have been known to become green due to algae growth so it is not impossible that a Krampus or Bigfoot might assume that coloration.

With both horns and hooves, Krampus has obvious physical differences from the Bigfoot and Grinch. However, it might be argued that the Krampus has developed specialized parts for the Alpine climate. Of course, the physical descriptions of the Krampus may be in error.

While you are celebrating your Christmas holidays, and you see the Grinch, take a moment to ponder his relationship to the Krampus.

Merry Krampus, errr Christmas!

A Krampus Carol by Anthony Bourdain

Sadly, the Travel Channel lacked the jingle bells to air this little animated tale featuring the Krampus. But don’t worry, all of you good little Gnostalgia readers can watch the Krampus at work.