The Tonight Show with Jay Leno
Earlier today, Hillary Clinton spoke at the Democratic National Convention. She gave the entire speech while biting her tongue.
Barack Obama has chosen Sen. Joseph Biden to be his vice presidential running mate. Biden has 35 years’ experience in Washington. So, between the two of them? That’s almost 36 years of experience.
Yesterday was the three-year anniversary of Hurricane Katrina. It seems like just yesterday FEMA was heading down to New Orleans . . . actually, it was just yesterday.
Hallmark has announced that they are coming out with a line of same-sex wedding cards. I think that’s fair . . . why should only straight guys be forced to pay five bucks for a stupid card?
Late Show Top Ten
Top Ten Things Overheard At The Democratic National Convention
10. “Check it out — Bill Clinton and John Edwards are hitting on the same woman”
9. “The decorations are made from ‘John Kerry 2004′ bumper stickers”
8. “I think the Chinese delegates are underage”
7. “No, Mr. President, you belong at the Republican Convention”
6. “Senator Biden, do you think you’ll shoot an old guy in the face?”
5. “Shut up! I’m trying to listen to Wisconsin Governor Jim Doyle”
4. No number 4 — writer at screening of “The House Bunny”
3. “Coming up next, a look at Democratic candidates’ greatest concession speeches”
2. “Yes, at midnight they’re going to tase Andy Dick”
1. “Hey, it’s a giant Al Gore balloon! Oh, wait. That’s Al Gore”
Late Show with David Letterman
It was so nice today in New York City, John McCain is buying a house here.
Last week, they asked John McCain, “How many houses do you own?” and he said, “I’ll have to get back to you.” I have two houses . . . three if you count the champagne room with flashdancers.
How about that Michael Phelps? Eight Olympic gold medals. To me, that’s not the most impressive thing. The guy is actually swimming home from China.
Today, Hillary Clinton spoke at the Democratic National Convention. Bill was there, and he cheered and applauded . . . and so did his date.
Late Night with Conan O’Brien
Tonight, at the Democratic National Convention, Hillary Clinton gave a big speech in favor of Barack Obama. Experts say it was the longest speech ever delivered entirely through clenched teeth.
Michelle Obama gave a great speech. She said she has been in love with Barack Obama ever since he took her on their first date and bought her ice cream. Meanwhile, John McCain’s wife Cindy says she’s been in love with John McCain ever since he hit her over the head with a club and dragged her back to his cave.
At the Democratic Convention, Trojan Condoms has set up a pavilion where they are giving out thousands of free condoms. They’re doing it in case John Edwards shows up.
The Republican Convention starts next week. John McCain’s campaign told President Bush that despite his low popularity, he will be allowed to speak at the first night of the convention. They told Bush that the convention starts in December.
Jimmy Kimmel Live!
The Democratic Convention is underway in Denver. Thousands of pounds of confetti, hats, and hookers have been shipped in.
Since this is the first DNC to feature an African-American candidate, some are calling it the Run-DNC.
Sen. Hillary Clinton addressed the convention. It was a highly anticipated speech. People were curious as to how strongly she would endorse her former foe. She endorsed him strongly. She said this country needs change, and whatever your feelings about the primaries, now is the time for the Democrats to put aside their differences and rally behind Mr. Potato Ears.
A funny story from the Telegraph of Leonard the parrot. Leonard, like myself, has a fondness for Dr. Who. It seems that Leonard can imatate the “exterminate” of Dr Who’s enemy the Dalek.
“My nephew had got the gravelly voice down to a tee and now Leonard can do it too. He also whistles Dock of the Bay, the theme tune from Mission Impossible, renditions of Red Red Wine, YMCA and perfect impressions of water splashing and a squeak in the floorboards.
What does a Romulan frog use for camouflage?
-A croaking device.
Why does the ENTERPRISE stock so much toilet paper?
-To wipe out the Klingons around Uranus.
If Mr. Spock has pointed ears, what does Mr. Scott have?
Q. Why did Worf change his hair color?
A. It was a good day to dye.
Did you hear that the Star Trek Doctors from The Next Generation, The Original Series and Deep Space Nine are setting up their own medical practice?
-They’re going to call it “Crusher, Bones and Bashir.”
Did you hear about the E.M.H. on Voyager. He started going nuts and killing all his patients.
-They’re saying he’s a hologramicidal maniac.
Egyptian archaeologists have unearthed four small statues of the Sphinx, the mythological figure of a lion with a human head, the Higher Council of Antiquities said on Friday.The headless sandstone statues were found on a road linking the ancient temples of Luxorand Karnak in southern Egypt, antiquities supremo Zahi Hawass said in a statement.
When I am old and grey and ready to move to the country, this is the house that I want. I want to be that wierd old man who lives in a hole in the ground. “ Not a nasty, dirty, wet hole, filled with the ends of worms and an oozy smell, nor yet a dry, bare, sandy hole with nothing in it to sit down on or to eat: it was a hobbit-hole, and that means comfort.”
Simon Dale of Wales built this home so that his family could live a greener lifestyle.
Dale built the house completely on his own, with very little experience and just a few buddies to help out here and there. The foundation is made from rocks and mud sourced on site, the interior features skylights and natural branch rafters, the water runs via gravity from a nearby spring, solar panels provide lights at night, it has a compost toilet, and the refrigerator is cooled with air from underground.
What can I say but brilliant.
Its raining here, tropical storm Fay is slowly wobbling through the state. Its days like these that steer me to the den to do some reading. As luck would have it, I surfed the web and found some great reading material through Booklorn. I suggest that you bookmark her site, its just that good.
If you like Dr. Who, you can download some classic Dr. Who books courtesy of the BBC. Only two are PDFs, but the rest are in easily convertible HTML format for viewing offline.
Needless to say, I’m as happy as a pig in slop. Thanks Ann …
As it turns out, Barak picked Biden as his vp candidate. I guess that he could have done worse. We know who Biden is and what he has done over the years. He has a big mouth and he has stolen a speech or two.
Neither man is very good at speaking off the cuff. In short, the speech writers will be very busy with these two guys. I guess that they are a good match when you compare the size of their egos.
It should be an interesting convention …
Michael Goldfarb of the John McCain campaign said, “It may be typical of the pro-Obama Dungeons & Dragons crowd to disparage a fellow countryman’s memory of war from the comfort of mom’s basement, but most Americans have the humility and gratitude to respect and learn from the memories of men who suffered on behalf of others.”
Some of my fondest memories of University life were of sitting around a table and playing “Dungeons and Dragons” with my friends. Food and arguments flew through the air while cryptic puzzles were solved and kingdoms were saved. As the years rolled by, I lost touch with all of those rowdy D&D warriors. I kept up with the rules for a while, but I moved on to other things as the rules changed from edition to edition.
That isn’t to say that I have stopped playing “role playing games”. I enjoy “Guild Wars” and I am considering moving to another type of game in the next few months … maybe “World of Warcraft”.
I may enjoy an rpg from time to time, but that doesn’t mean that I have somehow lost touch with reality. I do “respect (and have learned) from the memories of men who suffered on behalf of others.” Mr. Goldfarb, you and your ilk have not cornered the market on patriotism. In addition to that, I have learned to extent tolerance to other people. If you had learned a little about tolerance perhaps you may have played a little Dungeons and Dragons. You see, Mr. Goldfarb, the most important part of Dungeons and Dragons was not the rules or the dice throws it was the friendship. Without friends, the game is impossible to play.
I may not know a lot of things, but I know enough not to bring up Dungeons and Dragons when my candidate looks like the old Dungeonmaster.