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A new religion Cullenism

29 Mar

Oh yes, we have a new religion people. No, not the gut-churning worship of Obama by the far-left and the so-called media. This new religion centers around a popular tale of fiction called Twilight and the Cullen family. If you missed it, the Cullen family is a family of vampires.

(link)

Just like any other religion, we have beliefs and values. Each belief may take on more importance for one person than it may for another, there is no wrong way to decide which beliefs are more important than others. So here are the main Cullenism beliefs, however, this list is not a limit to what you can believe in when it comes to the Cullenism religion, Cullenists are a welcoming and caring group of people, and we will accept any other Cullenism beliefs you may have!

These are our beliefs (in no certain order).

As a Cullenist we believe:
Edward and the rest of the Twilight characters are real
Stephenie Meyer is the (or one of the) best author(s)
The twilight series should be worshiped
If you are good in life, you will be bless with eternity with the Cullens, if you are bad in life, you will be sent to James’ cave

Well, on the plus side, a Cullenist doesn’t seem like the kind of person to blow himself up. You can’t say that about some religions. Afterall, who would want to go to James’ cave?

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70 Comments

Posted by on March 29, 2009 in Religion and Spirituality

 

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70 responses to “A new religion Cullenism

  1. Jo

    April 7, 2009 at 6:26 pm

    What is the world coming to? I’m speechless…and as a writer, that is something that doesn’t happen very often.

     
    • Girl

      July 28, 2009 at 10:12 am

      I think Cullenists, needs help. fast. Ask stephanie Meyer for gods sake! Dont go around ruining the book, god take it to far.

       
    • lol

      December 10, 2009 at 3:19 am

      What/Where is James’ Cave
      Whos James?

       
      • Tara

        January 1, 2010 at 11:53 am

        A supposedly evil meyerpire who comes to devour Bella in Twilight. He’s a seriously underdeveloped character, with no backstory at all.

         
  2. Barry

    April 7, 2009 at 8:08 pm

    The next time that you put pen to paper; you might be creating a god for someone.

     
  3. ziL

    April 10, 2009 at 1:20 am

    i dnt think this is nessisary!! the books r good and put u to thought but worshiping this is unessisary!!

     
  4. Zoe

    May 2, 2009 at 6:17 am

    Cool 😀 I am a Cullenist. Twilight is one of the best books ever written, I say and I do read lots and I mean lots and lots.

     
    • sailorgoldrabbit

      June 14, 2009 at 2:51 am

      You’re kidding, right? Please tell me you’re kidding.

       
    • michael

      June 20, 2009 at 5:19 pm

      obvious troll is obvious

       
    • Girl

      July 28, 2009 at 10:12 am

      I personally think, that u need help.

       
      • Sanity

        September 24, 2009 at 2:45 pm

        Seconded. Wow, this is completely and utterly insane. I’m actually worried for these people.

        Is this a joke? It can’t be real can it? Wow… Just… Wow.

        I N S A N I T Y.

         
    • Aida

      September 24, 2009 at 2:13 pm

      You’re not serious? You obviously don’t have an eye for books then.

       
      • Intelligent (non obsessed Twilight Fan

        November 28, 2009 at 9:15 pm

        Well, I agree with sanity, and I have an excellent eye for good literature like The Lord of the Rings by J.R.R. Tolkien, To Kill a Mockingbird by Harper Lee, and Pride and Prejudice by Jane Austen. Contemporary books like the Harry Potter series or the Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants series are good too. And even if I loved the Twilight series, I would not believe the FICTIONAL characters were real! Nor would I believe everyone should worship them! Good golly, you people are ridiculous!

         
  5. Hana

    May 15, 2009 at 4:46 am

    Edward is not real!!!! It’s a fictional book! ENOUGH ALREADY!!!

     
    • name

      December 5, 2009 at 8:18 am

      “It’s a fictional book! ENOUGH ALREADY!!!”

      Isn’t this pretty much every religion ever?

       
      • Person

        March 6, 2010 at 2:52 am

        No, it is a fictional book because the person that WROTE it admits that it is fiction

         
  6. Reyairia

    June 16, 2009 at 9:01 pm

    I’d rather go to James’s cave than have to deal with a Mary-sue and a pretiontious prick like Edward.

     
  7. Emma

    July 6, 2009 at 3:13 am

    James >>>> Edward
    no, wait
    everything else >>>> Edward.

     
  8. Anonymous

    July 7, 2009 at 4:52 am

    Ugh…

    Seriously, books are good. I’ll even say that books are great. However, there is no book on this planet that is THAT good. Especially “Twilight”.

    “As a Cullenist we believe:” Here’s the first problem…

    “Edward and the rest of the Twilight characters are real” Except that Stephenie Meyer wrote a fictional book about them, sure!

    “Stephenie Meyer is the (or one of the) best author(s)” Not by a long shot. She’s not even good enough to lick the boots of people like J. R. R. Tolkien.

    “The twilight series should be worshiped” Along with every other random object you can think of.

    “If you are good in life, you will be bless with eternity with the Cullens, if you are bad in life, you will be sent to James’ cave” The only problem is, nobody wants to spend an eternity with a gay vampire.

     
  9. Treena Lighty

    July 8, 2009 at 10:34 am

    This entire “religion” is a bogus piece of shit. I hope SMeyer hears of this and feels like a jerk.

     
  10. johosephite

    July 14, 2009 at 6:47 pm

    SSSSSSTTTTTTUUUUUUUPPPPPPPPPPPPIIIIIIIIIDDDDD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
    THERE IS TRULY SOMETHING WRONG WITH YOU IF YOU ARE WORSHIPPING A FICTION BOOK!!!!

     
  11. Ally

    July 14, 2009 at 8:58 pm

    This is really stupid. I love Twilight and all, but this is ridiculous.

     
  12. Ramen

    July 30, 2009 at 9:02 pm

    What has the world come to? IT IS A BOOK. And now a movie. But seriously, are these people MAD?!
    1. It’s a fictional book! FICTIONAL
    2. S.Meyer isn’t the best author. Not even in the top 10 or 100. The plot was terrible. Who in their right mind would date a vampire, or even have sex with one? Because that’s what everyone does nowadays huh? J.K. Rowling isn’t even in the top 10. maybe like the 86th but still! No way.
    3. Okay. No need to worship A BOOK. Or any other random object you think is related to Twilight.
    4. The. Cullens. Are. NOT. Real. I would rather go to “Jame’s Cave” then be “blessed” with an eternity with Edward and Mary-Sue.

    Please say you’re joking? Please? So I won’t go shoot myself.

    I hope S.Meyer hears this and she realizes what a monster she’s created.

    If I see people at my school worshiping this, I’m not joking, I will shoot myself.

     
    • Anonymous

      August 8, 2009 at 1:25 am

      then do shoot yourself because maybe this is all fictional, maybe this isnt the best thing in the world, but just because of your opinions on it doesn’t mean it’s bad. this is the choice of some people (including me) for what they want to believe in. only ~some~ of them are crazy
      but telling us that it’s not real and we’re a bunch of wack-jobs is like saying to a muslim “hey eat the bottom of my shoe because allah doesn’t exist!” that’s not right. it’s cruel and disrespecting to te beliefs of people. if you ever think of it that way (but you won’t because you’re too stuck up to think differently) you may see a bright side- i mean this in the nicest way possible so please listen to my point.

       
      • Tisha

        September 24, 2009 at 6:27 am

        Comparing Muslims to something a Morman woman wrote as complete fiction? LOL.

        “And then Blade came down and killed Edward Cullen.”

         
      • intelligent

        September 24, 2009 at 8:37 pm

        dude/dudette. that is /NOT/ an opinion. that’s called characterization, the ability to carry a plot, grammar, etc.

        BASIC writing skills =/= opinion. If t’s written like a piece of shit, it’s written like a piece of shit.

        and it is.
        it’s disgusting.

         
      • QueenofSheba

        November 29, 2009 at 4:10 pm

        ‘telling us that it’s not real and we’re a bunch of wack-jobs is like saying to a muslim “hey eat the bottom of my shoe because allah doesn’t exist!”’

        seriously? you think a bunch of FICTIONAL characters are real???
        i’m not one to diss someones beliefs but thats a tad deluded…

         
  13. Cutie

    August 24, 2009 at 8:25 pm

    WHAT!? YOUR JOKING ARN’T YOU???? THIS HAS GONE TOOOO FARRR! WHEN THE HELL IS THIS PHEANOMENON GONNA STOP!? x

     
  14. TheRealisticObserver

    September 14, 2009 at 2:16 am

    AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

    Where has humanity gone? Is there any hope left?

    THIS IS A FICTIONAL BOOK NOT A BIBLE!!!

    What a sad, sad year…day…week…whatever.

     
  15. Noname

    September 18, 2009 at 3:28 am

    I’m laughing so hard right now.

    Dear god, these people have no brains, they might as well rage against the Scientologists and do us all a favor. Worshipping a a book that was a pile of horse caca to begin with, bluntly put, makes me question other faiths as well. Five bets 99% of these followers are teenage girls with hopelessly escapist dreams.

     
  16. James

    September 20, 2009 at 10:06 am

    ‘No, not the gut-churning worship of Obama by the far-left and the so-called media’

    I find your observational skills laughable.

     
    • Nom de Plume

      December 6, 2009 at 5:42 pm

      James. You are a ******. If your analytical skills are so dull that you can’t see there is some truth to that statement, then you are just about ********** enough to be a Cullenist.

       
  17. Zac

    September 24, 2009 at 10:31 am

    Yes i do agree that the twilight books are great and that the cullens are cool but they are fictional characters and steph meyer created them not for you to worship them but to enjoy them for fictional characters that they are…so i think that they are awesome but they are awesome for being fake

     
    • Anonymous

      September 24, 2009 at 10:29 pm

      I’m not a fan of Twilight by far, but I must say that I greatly respect your opinion because you aren’t a rabid idiot about it.

      THANK YOU for being a fan with a rational mind. There are very few of them out there. Twilight needs people like you to preach its case, not the nut-jobs who are making it a religion.

       
  18. Anon

    September 24, 2009 at 11:58 am

    What a pile of crap.♦

     
  19. Bob

    September 25, 2009 at 3:12 pm

    *facepalm*

     
  20. Grapefruitpaw

    October 2, 2009 at 10:13 am

    *facepalm*

    This is taking it WAY too far.

    It would be fun to be a Cullenite for a week, just for laughs xD Somebody would probably kill me or send me to a padded cell.

    I mean, come on. I would be happy with this if Cullenism preached kindness and selflessness and stuff, and to care for others and the planet. If it makes more people be good people, fantastic. But seriously, the beliefs stated above are utterly idiotic. =.=

    And I’m not dissing Twilight. I read Twilight, all four, and it’s a good book, but not one of the best. It’s the kind of simple, shallow, easy-reading book that you read after a bad day at school and just want to be brainwashed. Not much character development, lots of soppiness, very enjoyable.

    But it’s not good enough to get into the top hundred – by far. Heck, it’s probably a lot more than that 😛

    People who practice Cullenism need help o_O

     
  21. GIANTBANANA

    October 5, 2009 at 9:46 pm

    well.. isn’t the bible just a book? it could’ve been meant to be a good read for people at one time right??

    so if your going to diss cullenism
    diss christianity as well.

    cause seriously
    a man who could walk on water.
    and didn’t have sex with nobody…

    woah. .yeah okay than..

     
  22. myself

    October 28, 2009 at 10:04 pm

    but Jesus was REAL, not some member of a fictional vampire family.
    AND the Bible is regarded as a book of history as well, not just a book to be read for religious reasons.

    The Cullens’ history, on the other hand, is pretty much not a trusted form of history, btw. Vampires don’t exist.

    “and didn’t have sex with nobody” and “than” are also grammatical errors. Things like that make people sound…uneducated. Further making your post unconvincing and unreliable.

     
    • ME

      November 28, 2009 at 2:17 pm

      I agree with you on the grammar I hate when people make mistakes like that but there is no proof that Jesus is real. Don’t say that the bible is proof because it could have just started off being a fictional book. I also think that Cullenism is a load of crap because IT.IS.A.BOOK. People get that into your heads. IT.IS.MADE.UP. The cullens are not real!! Seriously if you are a “cullenist” then I think you are completely crazy, I mean this is the type of thing I say to my friends as a joke. If you are a “cullenist” then you need to find a hobby and get a life. Yeah I love the books and I have read all of them like six times over but this is just taking it too far. All of the twilight books and films are made for entertainment. So seriously you should calm down.

       
      • Amortheo

        December 6, 2009 at 5:48 am

        It saddenning to know and hear that many of our brothers still do not believe in Jesus Christ..the air we breath..the wind we feel..we don’t see it, yet we feel, we experience it. Jesus cannot be seen by the nakedness of our eyes, because He IS beyond our sight..but we can feel and experience Him..IF we let Him. Many Religions comes out, because people want Hope in their lives..that’s exactly HIM..if we will only take Him and Believe in him.
        As for the Vampire thing…very creative and entertaining story..but STILL..It’s FICTION.

         
        • glitz color

          December 31, 2009 at 11:42 am

          Some of us arent christians like me but I agree with [mostly] everyone that only people with an IQ of 10 would worship a piece of obvious fiction that we KNOW is fake! I mean come on who ever heard of vampires that don’t want to go out in the sun because they ‘sparkle’?

           
        • sam

          March 1, 2010 at 7:52 am

          yes it’s sad that many people do not believe in God. I think that cullenism should be stopped, its ok to enjoy a book and movie but worshipping it?!?!?

           
  23. shondra

    November 2, 2009 at 4:09 pm

    wooooow!! you have got to be kidding me. I loved the series myself but makeing a fictional book into a religion is going too far. It’s like believeing in santa clause. You want it to be real, but it’s not. I am not trying to dump on any of you, but seriously your beliefs are not even sound. It’s sounds like a teenage girl made this up. It needs a new name, and more sound beliefs. Like be vegetarians and make it about loving everyone. the cullens were like modern age hippi vampires.

     
  24. Who cares?

    November 2, 2009 at 5:43 pm

    Yeah uhrm.. So, i read the books, and at first, because i didnt really “read” “read” the book, but read as in, you’re so excited about a book you’ve heard all about, read, so, i liked it, at first, but then i read it again, and the grammer is just… Horible.. Bella is taking Mary-sue to a far new level, and Edward… can i say Edweird? Who the fuck, want’s to be stalked by Anyone, none the less a vampire? i’d be totally freaked out, and probably send myself to a psychiatric ward, if a vampire (Do’h) was stalking me.. The plot…. where the hell is the plot!? I want a plot!

    The books, they arent good.. srsly.. I’ve read better fanfiction than that. This… thing.. i’m not even gonna call it a book anymore, because, franckly, in my world it isnt a book.. it’s… shit.. But the point is… WTF!.. cullenism? … Omg… what the hell has gone wrong in the world?

     
  25. Barry Huddleston

    November 6, 2009 at 1:15 pm

    I haven’t read the books or seen the movies. I quess I must be missing out on something or maybe not …

     
  26. Lilyan

    November 9, 2009 at 10:41 pm

    michael :
    obvious troll is obvious

     
  27. alice

    November 18, 2009 at 4:47 am

    i have to say i am a twilight fangirl but some people have gone to far now.
    this is just sick and wrong!

     
  28. ocdtassy

    November 18, 2009 at 11:38 am

    Seriously people let the people keep their religion! No one told u to convert!

     
  29. Deusabscondidum

    November 22, 2009 at 1:54 am

    There is no need to say that the Cullens are real because, for one thing, the people of Forks don’t know about them. If they were real and as portrayed in the books, then the people of forks are pretty disingenuous, aren’t they?

    On another note, I know there are some smart people who like Twilight, and I am disturbed by the people whose insults merely call it something loved by housewives, the overweight and young women. That isn’t what makes it a terrible series. (As for me, I detest the series.)

     
  30. ME

    November 28, 2009 at 2:25 pm

    When I read the books the first feww times I loved them but I can find errors. Like “who cares?” said the grammar is very bad and it says that loads of people like Bella, well thats because she doesn’t have a personality. And seriously people a man thet sparkles is obviously GAY. I mean come on. People who are Cullenists need help because you are obviously obsessed and this is taking it too far. I think taht if Stephenie Meyer saw this then she would probably agree with me about the obsessed bit. Also in the last book Jacob Black falls in love with a new born baby and he’s like what? 16/17. Peadophilish anybody?

     
  31. Anonymous

    December 3, 2009 at 7:42 pm

    This is absolutely rediculous. Worshipping a book this horrible and shallow is disgusting.

    Society has hit an all-time low. You should be proud.

    Once again, thank you Stephanie Meyers.

     
  32. Aisha

    December 3, 2009 at 10:10 pm

    GIANTBANANA :
    well.. isn’t the bible just a book? it could’ve been meant to be a good read for people at one time right??
    so if your going to diss cullenism
    diss christianity as well.
    cause seriously
    a man who could walk on water.
    and didn’t have sex with nobody…
    woah. .yeah okay than..

    The Bible teaches many things…please tell me, what does the book Twilight teach other than lust, selfishness,misogyny,and abuse?
    I’m gonna start a religion called Super Marioism. Our goal is to reach Starman level so we can be invincible, thus immortal for a short period of time. At least Marioism only teaches abuse to turtles..not actual people.
    Or maybe Sonicism. Where we go to the Death Egg if we do bad or go to Sky Sanctuary if we do good.
    But many of you Twilight fans are crazy anyways…so it’s expected.

     
  33. Name

    December 4, 2009 at 2:42 pm

    Ok, a religion is WAY too far, but-

    1. Twilight is fiction.
    2. People can consider it entertainment if they wish.

    We all don’t agree on what is or is not a source of entertainment. People do have the right to like what they like.

     
  34. Summer

    December 6, 2009 at 8:32 pm

    Oh you poor, pathetic people.
    I’ve seen quite a few of you defend the Twilight series by saying things such as “Oh! Well I love Twilight. It’s a really good book series – but I wouldn’t worship it. Lololol”. NO. Twilight is NOT a good book series. Need I call attention to the fact that Meyer admitted her “inspiration” for writing the book originated from a dream? I think we all know what kind of a dream she was having.

    Furthermore, she works so hard to make Edward attractive, she fails to make him interesting. He has NO personality. Her villains are better than her protagonists – because at least they have a spark to them. Alice and Jasper are a better couple than Edward and Bella – who have nothing in common. Love is meant to be the reflection of one’s values in another. Edward and Bella are not in possession of such an idea. There is NO REASON for Edward to be attracted to Bella who is a plain, selfless nothing and is in no way worthy of all the boys which seem to chase after her. Of course, now you get all defensive. There is a reason Twilight appeals to you: You like to think that ordinary nobodies can by loved by glorious would-be Gods.

    “The next time that you put pen to paper; you might be creating a god for someone”.

    “Theoretically a vampire, Edward has shown a startling ability to remain at high school for almost a century without getting laid.

    Just The Facts
    It is still not understood why he is referred to as a vampire, as he lacks all of the traditional characteristics that one would be expected to have (aversion to sunlight and holy objects, need for human blood, vulnerability to wooden stakes, fangs, badassery, et cetera).

    He is a known attention-seeker, as he has attempted suicide by exposing himself to sunlight at noon.

    Given that vampires in the Twilight universe react to sunlight by sparkling, this is roughly equivalent to attempting to kill yourself via the liberal application of mascara.

    As anybody who has watched the film “Twilight” in a cinema will know, Edward has been noted for his ability to cause spontaneous orgasms in girls aged 12-16.

    Origin

    The character of Edward Cullen was first conceived when the author of Twilight, Stephenie Meyer, had a wet dream about him. She saw him together with a girl, who was later named “Bella” after Meyer’s imaginary daughter…

    …yeah, it gets creepier. Meyer watched the two of them have an intense, emotional “conversation” for a while, then woke up and felt an urgent need to change the sheets.

    Every time you read Twilight, you’re reading this woman’s masturbatory aid. Just sayin’.

    Details are scarce about Edward’s life before he became a vampire, mainly because it’s difficult for Meyer to focus on writing anything substantial about a character or storyline for more than thirty seconds without getting distracted by something shiny – case in point, Edward’s skin.

    As you’ve already made fun of, while most vampires burst dramatically into flame when struck by sunlight, Edward sparkles.

    “THIS IS THE SKIN OF A KILLER, BELLA!” *sparkles*’

    But Stephenie Meyer’s definition of the word “sunlight” is a bit different to that of the rest of the English-speaking world. On overcast days – even when, presumably, some sunlight would get through to the ground (on account of all the light and such), Eddie doesn’t so much as twinkle. Come a cloudless day, though, and he’s lit up like a fucking disco ball.

    Edward was turned into a vampire during World War One, while suffering from a strain of influenza. His doctor, Carlisle, apparently thought that the best way to cure the child would be to murder him – which, it must be said, did make the flu seem somewhat less of an issue. To be fair, canon claims that he was turned because Carlisle was lonely, and wanted a companion. Exactly why, out of the many thousands of sick and dying people he had treated over the years, he chose to vamp an attractive, underage boy is perhaps a question best left unasked.

    What we do know is that Edward did, at one point in his unlife, possess balls. He used to use his super strength, super speed, heightened senses, and mind-reading ability (Oh, yeah, he can read minds, too. Did Mel Gibson need a reason? He just fucking can, okay?) to kill bad guys. And, for a brief time, he was actually badass.

    But, as we all know, any interesting aspect of a character that Stephenie Meyer creates is purely accidental, and it wasn’t long before Edward renounced the wicked ways of, uh, fighting evil. Instead, he decided to spend his days (and nights) playing the piano, reading literature, going to high school over and over again for decades (ostensibly to maintain their cover – which suggests that Carlisle is too much of a fucking idiot to have ever considered home-schooling), and generally being a complete embarrassment to real vampires.

    He also abstains from consuming human blood, instead choosing to drink that of animals. This has led to the Cullen family joke that they are “vegetarians”. A search for anyone who finds this funny is ongoing.

    His Chagrined, Adonis-Like Appearance

    Edward is a tall and handsome boy, with pale, white skin and amber eyes. These eyes – which are amber – have a constant look of chagrin within them.

    His skin looks like chiseled marble, which contrasts quite beautifully with his amber eyes.

    He is shaped like Adonis, his chiseled face displaying chagrin whenever his piercing, amber eyes are staring into Bella’s.

    Whenever Bella looks into Edward’s chiseled, amber eyes, she sees that his pale, Adonis-like figure is consumed with chagrin…

    …this is what reading the fucking book is like.

    A full account of Edward’s appearance can be found in the book, Twilight. For that matter, an account of Edward’s appearance is pretty much the only thing that can be found in the book.
    .

    The Boy Behind the Chagrin

    Unfortunately, information about Edward’s personality is a bit thin on the ground, as Stephenie Meyer seems to have forgotten to include any direct references in the actual books. It was too minor a sundry detail to have included in the series’ thousands and thousands of pages. So, basically, all we know about him is what can be inferred from his dealings with his true love.

    This makes the section on Edward’s personality the shortest in this article. As anybody who has read the books can tell you, this is depressingly fitting.

    “Just Like Romeo and Juliet!” Uh, wait, what does that imply?

    Edward likes to start things off right. He begins his epic love tale seated next to Isabella Swan in a biology classroom – a prime situation for some introductions, small talk, and a series of horrifically bad sexual innuendos, right?

    “How’d you like to put your microscope in MY onion?”

    What follows is sixty minutes of the most awkward silence between two human beings you will ever witness. We’ve seen people with Asperger’s Syndrome utilizing better body language than this. Not a word is exchanged between them. Edward just sits there, staring intently at her, rocking back and forth ‘like’ a madman. Remember that time you were sitting next to that really hot chick that you liked back in high school, and you tried to say something to her, but instead you accidentally collapsed into a violent coughing fit, sneezed blood and mucus all over her, fell off your chair and cried for half an hour? Yeah, you looked like George fucking Clooney next to this guy.

    To his credit, he does make up for it by subsequently watching her sleep.

    We’ll just let you ponder why he gets called ‘romantic’ for this, and yet we can’t go within 200meters* of our exes anymore.

    *Stand back – we use METRIC.

    Anyway, turns out Edward really does love Bella, because her blood sings to him, or something. People fortunate enough to have only watched the movie often aren’t aware of this, as the film only briefly and fleetingly alludes to how she smells like his favorite heroin.

    After treating her like crap for a while, he suddenly performs an impressive emotional 180 and abruptly falls in love with her. Don’t bother asking why this happens – nobody knows. Just what’s holding the relationship together is a complete mystery.

    Honestly, don’t just take our word for it*. Go ask a rabid Twilight fan what Edward and Bella have in common. Ask what it is they talk about. What hobbies do they participate in together? You’ll get nothing but blank looks of incomprehension.

    *Just take our word for it.

    Feminists often attack Edward for being a condescending, misogynistic jerk towards Bella. They often cite that fact that he treats Bella like a doe-eyed dipshit that needs to be kept on a leash to stop her from trying to play with oncoming traffic. What these people fail to realize is that Edward’s treatment of her stems not from the fact that she’s female, but because her favorite hobby consists of trying to find new and exciting ways to get killed by household objects.

    One of Edward’s earliest encounters with Bella consisted of rescuing her from becoming roadkill, and subsequent outings have consistently shown her to have the intelligence and dexterity of an apricot. Edward treats her as if she is constantly in danger, not because he’s sexist, but because her own ability to detect trouble usually kicks in about half an hour after it’s been and gone. He can hardly be blamed for being a bit protective at times – although it is unlikely that Darwin would approve of Edward fucking around with his gene pool so much.

    For example – Bella discovers Edward is a vampire. She knows (in the film, which was shorter, and therefore better) that a number of people have been viciously mauled and slaughtered by what she suspects to be vampires. So, armed with this knowledge, she brings Edward into the middle of a forest to tell him that she knows his secret, telling no-one where she is going or who she is going with.

    This is a girl with the survival instincts of a lemming.

    Keep that in mind the next time you start calling him over-protective.

    Long-Time Child, First-Time Parent

    Edward is also amongst the worst fathers in existence, exhibiting the kind of responsibility one might expect from a crowd of angry English football fans armed with whiskey and crowbars. After delivering his child, Renesmee, by tearing apart his wife’s uterus with his teeth (just don’t ask, okay? This shit is fucked up enough already), he soon starts leaving his dear child with his old enemy, Jacob Black.

    For those of you unfamiliar with the series, this is the same Jacob Black who swore to brutally murder the baby literally moments after her birth. And who then declared his undying love for the tiny infant the second he met her. And who had previously attempted to force himself upon the baby’s mother. And just so we’re clear, we’re not talking about the wholesome family-friend-who-the-kids-call “Uncle Jacob” kind of love. We’re talking about good old werewolf/vampire-hybrid-thing child molesting.

    And Edward happily leaves his tiny infant daughter with the psychotic, mood-swinging, attempted-raping, pedophilic, would-be child murderer.

    And this is a kid’s book.

    And this isn’t the only instance of pedophilia in the books, either, leading us to believe that the entire series relies upon the Social Services department being on some sort of epic cocaine binge. Let us not forget that Edward Cullen himself is 17-years old. You know, underage. Permanently. For no other reason than Stephenie Meyer just wanted him to be.

    And it’s not like Meyer’s not aware of this, either. After all, at the beginning of New Moon, she Bella gets very worried when her 18th birthday is coming up, as that would mean that she’d be physiologically older than her undead, night-dwelling, blood-sucking killer boyfriend.

    ‘Cause, y’know, that’d be weird.

    Pedophilia? Check. Necrophilia? Check. Older girlfriends? No, thanks. We have morals here.

    Notable Quotations
    “Bring on the shackles – I’m your prisoner.”

    – Edward extolling the virtues of S&M to a 17 year old virgin.

    “Stephenie, it’s great, but do you reckon you could write out the bit about Bella being a dominatrix?”

    “And so the lion fell in love with the lamb…”

    – Edward vicariously demonstrating Meyer’s limited grasp of biology.

    “You are exactly my brand of heroin.”

    – Edward explaining the difference between good smack and bad smack.

    “It will be as if I’d never existed.”

    – Edward, while leaving Bella “forever”, apparently forgetting about the numerous near-death experiences, twu wuv, and the utter destruction of Bella’s world as she once knew it.

    “It’s hard and cold. And it throws rainbows in the sunlight.”

    – Edward describing his penis.

    WHERE IS YOUR GOD, NOW?
    Oh, almost forgot. One last thing – Edward has his own religion.

    Cullenism.

    This is not a joke.

    This is a real religion. They believe that the Cullens are real, and must be worshipped. They believe that Stephenie Meyer is a prophet, and that the Twilight series are, in fact, holy books. And that the reward for a life of devout worship and right living is eternal life with the Cullens – including Jacob, Bella, and Meyer.

    That’s right. You get to spend eternity with an arrogant jerk, a pedophile, a cretin, an idiot novelist, and a horde of shrieking fangirls.

    And that’s if you’re good”.

    CHEERS! – Summer

     
  35. Nina

    December 6, 2009 at 8:39 pm

    I worry about several things. The world coming to an end, someone dying, etc. THIS DEFINITELY makes the list. Are people insane, or just plain insane? I, personally, don’t adore the book all that much. I mean, it’s nice, but it’s missing many important points to it. Why one Earth would people WORSHIP it is beyond me speaking quite frankly.

     
  36. Antonia

    December 8, 2009 at 2:21 pm

    wooh wooh people!!!! yea some people believe in it! so what!? even if the books are fictional and the characters with it people can believe what they want to right??! so PLEASE! shut the hell up!!
    bunch of jerks….

     
  37. Humankind

    December 9, 2009 at 5:38 pm

    Liking a book is certainly acceptable. Loving a series is cerainly acceptable. But when fantasy intermingles with everyday life and you can no longer distinguish what is real from what is fantasy, then something is wrong with you, you are nutters and should see a shrink.

     
  38. Boseman

    December 17, 2009 at 4:14 pm

    For the record, I’m not sure what Stephanie Meyer was thinking when she wrote breaking dawn. It’s good, just not Twilight or Stephanie Meyer good. Does anyone else agree with this Twilight Quiz

     
  39. glitz color

    December 31, 2009 at 11:52 am

    Lets have a mass massacre and kill every no-brains that follow this religion, (Don’t call me stupid I’m a straight A student!)

     
  40. ruth

    January 15, 2010 at 9:28 pm

    first commandment in the Holy Bible “thou shall put no other gods before me” this is the truth and this is what you need

     
  41. sydnie

    February 16, 2010 at 6:20 pm

    what the hell, you people are dipsh*ts 3words for you: IT IS FAKE!!!! god is real vampires are NOT!!! you need some prosaic therapist and JESUS! NOW Jesus is real he is someone you can count on EDWARD is NOT!!

     
  42. Faith

    February 25, 2010 at 12:35 pm

    tbh, its up to people what they want to believ in, doesnt the bible say god loves everyone, wether there christians, muslims or whatever, if people want to believe that the cullens and vampires are real its up to them.
    And to all of you people saying that Stephanie Meyer is a bad writer and that twilight is rubbish, can i ask you, how do you know? if you know the books are rubbish than you must have read some of them, if you have read them and not liked them then fine, theres no need to complain about her writing strategies, but most people just go on what anyone else says, how can you explain that she has 4 books out and there all international best sellers, if she’s such a bad writer.

     
  43. Jessica

    May 6, 2010 at 4:26 pm

    Is it bad that the second I read this i thought…”Wow, I could make big money selling religious crap with edwards face stamped on it to these morons!”

     
  44. Sara

    May 21, 2010 at 9:50 pm

    I don’t see how Twilight could possibly be turned into a religion. First off, ya’ll are free to like whatever books you want to; I don’t have a problem with that. But going so far as to make a religion out of it is kind of ridiculous. No book is worth that, no matter what it is.
    Second, the Twilight books are FICTION. They are not real, nor will they ever be real. Stephenie Meyer will tell anybody that Edward does not exist, along with the rest of the FICTIONAL characters in her books. Sure, it’s fun to pretend for a bit, but you need to return to sanity and reality eventually. They. Are. Not. Real.
    Third, Twilight does not address the typical religious aspects. There is no creation myth mentioned anywhere. There is no higher being to worship (the Cullens do not count; they are only characters. If you look at the Bible, they are several characters in it that are not God, but just people). There are no ideals that are specifically written out to follow. There are no practices to be carried out, no rituals to perform, and no sins. Nobody in the series has done anything worth worshiping, and they most certainly did not ask to be worshiped. You may think Edward is like a god, but all he does is protect Bella and sparkle. That’s hardly godliness, especially when so many people have done much more respectable deeds. There is nothing in those books that hasn’t already been taken by another religion (like abortion, premarital sex, etc.). Even if you do take the central themes and follow them, that isn’t a religion. That’s taking in lessons from a story and living by them. If any book that taught something about life was considered a religion, almost every book would be another religion.
    Then you look at the morals in the story itself. Bella lets Edward control her life from the moment she sees him in Forks. She gives up everything she has or ever wanted, including her parents and all of her friends. She has no regards for anyone’s feelings, only that they might be suspicious if she suddenly disappears. Bella also has no life; she is a housewife and student only. Meyer tries to give her a hobby by making her a bookworm. However, Bella ends up reading the same books so many times over that there’s no point to reading them other than pure enjoyment. If she were truly an avid reader, then Bella would have read several different books throughout the series. And beyond halfway through Twilight, she doesn’t even bother reading anymore; it’s all about Edward and making dinner for Charlie. What kind of message is that sending to people? If a guy sneaks into your bedroom without your knowledge or consent to watch you sleep, then you should marry him and dump the rest of your life for him? How freaking creepy is that?
    As I’ve said before, you can like Twilight all you want. That’s none of my concern, as long as I don’t have to deal with a ton of hate mail from people who have no grammar, misspell things intentionally, and abuse Shift-1. Unfortunately for all of you Cullenites, this is not a religion, no matter how much you want to be. It doesn’t follow what a religion is, just your average obsessive fan base.

     
  45. Killuminati

    October 9, 2010 at 12:24 pm

    What are you implying “a Cullenist doesn’t seem like the kind of person to blow himself up”, are you implying that the Islam faith everyone goes out and commits suicide? You obviously have no sense of knowledge and are desperately ignorant and I pity you, Just because a small number of so called “Muslims” go out and commit suicide does not mean the rest of the population of Muslims are suicide bombers, You can’t take a whole religion to court for what some few hundred people do, I’m not gonna take all of Catholics for court for what a some priests do to little kids, I’m not gonna discriminate against all white people for being racist and enslaving black people in the past.

    Also so called Cullenist is not considered a religion, your worshiping movie idols that are not real, and if you actually go by it then I am laughing.

    This just shows how our world is coming to an end, because of idiots like you that lack knowledge and are brainwashed by movie and Tv shows..

     
  46. david

    April 10, 2011 at 3:41 pm

    To anyone comparing this to the bible or any religion, you just can’t do that. Whether or not you agree with the bible it was written with the intention of having a belief system, and is said to be the “truth”. Twilight is a fictional story meant for entertainment. J.K. Rowling never claimd to be a prophet nor has her story implied that it is based on any truth. Plain and simple fact. And to the previous comment stating theres no proof jesus existed, sorry you’re wrong. His existence is not in question. His claim of being a messiah is the only debate. Jesus is cited by many non christian historians.

     
  47. new religion

    May 10, 2011 at 9:08 am

    Social religion, like social drinking. As opposed to civic religion.

     

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